The trip started out fine, I picked him up that morning to ride into O'hare airport. He was in a pleasant mood and at that moment I was glad that we planned to go on our trip to Miami. I thought 'how could we have grown apart so quickly and still love each other. I figure you can still love each other without all the mushy stuff. But the problem was that I wanted that mushy stuff.
Day 1
Were at the beach now and because I just lost 15 pounds I look incredible. We had our millionaire mojhitos the size of our heads at the restuarant right around the corner from our hotel and across from the beach. It was amazing to be there together relaxing. I am tanned and tysy already. After all the talking and laughing I realized that we were doing something we hadn't done in a while. Talk. Really talk about who we really are and where we want to be. I'm scared because I also realize I'm still in love with this person. But ofcourse I am why would i do this. I do love him so much but I know it's in my best interest to remain neutral like Switzerland until or if ever he reveals the same to me. I can't be the one to do it. I've given all that I can give, it has to be him.
He took pictures of me as I ran into the waves, and I was totally intangled in "our" moment. The pictures showed it, and pictures dont lie. And even as I write now I know that I can't cry. I have to take control over my emotions.
Day 2
The heat is great and we are having a great time riding around Miami on our rented motor scooter. I'm falling in love all over again. I notice him looking at me the way he used to when I'm not looking.
Our familiarity is reestablished while we spend time doing regular stuff. Walking, talking, smiling with each other.
Real love comes from a deep appreciation of another person and I believe we have that but can we keep it and take it back home with us?
Back at the beach again and the sun feels great while I lay on the beach sun bathing. I watch from the sand while he swims beautifully. He swims like a fish and watching him makes me laugh on the inside because I know how much he loves it!
Day 3
I've rediscovered something about myself that i didnt remember, I Love the Beach! I cant get enough of it! I forgot how great this is. Your alone with your thoughts and you plans and pray with only the waves as your music. Sometimes you need wide open spaces to figure stuff out.
Night 5
We went out to dinner so tanned and blissed out. Hair flying hand holding walking to the Mall where the excitement seems to be on this balmy Sunday night. Totally drunk after dinner I spent $200.00 on the prettiest costume jewelry at "Soooo Good" boutigue. Then back to the room to change and go out to a cool little night club that reminded me of the poetry days when I would hit the Cool daddy o spots to read poetry and feel "real". I loved that. We grabbed our little spot and we just "were". We listened to the live band that was actually pretty damn good and the vibe was great. No phony bolony. It felt like we lived down the street and would go home after and make love like crazy. But no that was earlier. I had no idea if I'd have more of the same later. I did hope.
I'm here with him on our last day and I love him so much and I feel the love he has for me. But its blurry. words mean so much. I have not heard them yet. What is he afraid of. All the happy is here with me so why the mystery for love, life and the possibilty of more of that please.
Back in Chicago and its cold and I feel him moving back to his distant place the minute we hit the Kennedy. I looked at him and smiled and thought "we'll always have Miami".
All the while as I promised myself I remain muted.
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