Facing the Pain

Sometimes in life things that we didn't want to happen occur.  The key is how we decide to deal with the situation.  In most cases we go straight to denial mode because were not ready to face what has happened and we have no idea on how to go about solving the problem. 

There are usually multiple parts of the problem that are like a puzzle all mixed up in a fish bowl if you can imagine that.  This would be a hard puzzle to put together for anybody.  The best thing you can do is focus on what you "can do".  I would suggest writing down all the things that are running around in your mind.  For example if you are going through a divorce, miscarriage, loss of your job or a recent breakup, write down in your journal  for example "Need New Position" and all the different issues that are attached to that issue.  Once you can see what it is your dealing with you can better prioritize what your plan of attack should be.  If your unable to move forward and be productive I would suggest a good therapist to get you moving in your life and your journey. 

By all means if you are grieving a loss of something, there's nothing wrong with spending some time alone and crying it out.  This is normal and you shouldn't be ashamed of that. In most cases it's not just a surface thing that is loss.  There's the loss of a dream such as a baby or a successful marriage.  When these types of losses happen you are in "Survival Mode".  This means your doing everything you can to just survive and be okay with yourself.  Don't worry about what other people think.  You just need to focus on being okay with yourself.  This is how you will escape long term depression, big time denial and fear of living your life.

These things will take some time.  Take the time to rest your mind and body and then get on to the bigger tasks.  By rest I mean sleep!  Get lots of sleep and don't feel bad about it.  One step and one day at a time.  I did it and so can you.

This goes out to all you Survivor's out there!   

Sincerely,
Kimberly

Running Into Your Ex's...Oh umm can you say uncomfortable?

In a city of 2.7 million people your bound to run into an Ex or two.  It's just going to happen.  I personally look forward to the opportunities to run into the few men that I have dated been intimate with.  I believe that no matter what your relationship status is at the time of the run in its really a good thing.  You get to do a quick assessment of yourself and evaluate your growth from that time in your life. Hopefully you find that your a better person and thank God you didn't stay too long at the circus. 

Most women would like to take all their ex's and put them on a forgotten island never to be found again.  Is that about right?  And of course the only reason for that is because the person broke your heart or just was a total asshole.  In my case I have broken up with most people on good terms, with a few nasty ones give or take but everyone's not going to love you on the way out the door. 

If you happen to run into an ex remember, this will be over as quickly as you face it.  Its too late to turn around at the market now.  Also make sure you smile and keep good eye contact this will help especially if it was a bad one.  Give a simple hello, nod and a curt smile and that should do it.  You walk away unscaved and looking like a grown up. 

Leave the scene knowing that the probability of you running into that person again anytime soon is slim and you can go on safely moving through the city. 

Keep your head up.  Happy Dating.

Kimberly XOXO   

Is there anything wrong with a single woman waiting with God? A response to Blood, Sweat and Heels cast member on Bravo

I was watching a new reality show last night called Blood, Sweat and Heels and was a little uncomfortable and surprised with something that one of the ladies on the show said.  It was so terrible that there's no other way to say it than to just say it; so here is the scene:

One of the ladies was doing a video piece on fashion in a fashion market in New York.  The other lady that has a relationship blog asks her friend so how is dating going for you? Have you been seeing someone?  Her response was basically that she was focused on her career and her relationship with God at this time in her life. 
The girl with the relationship blog said " Well God is nice and all but you can't fuck him".  What a horrible horrible thing to say.  How socially irresponsible.  I would think she would know better than to make such a terrible statement in regards to the Lord on national television. 

It's upsetting that this is generally an African American casted reality show and this is the kind of nonsense that were hearing from one of them already.  It's absolutely disastrous!

Just so you know God is everything and without God we can not hope or dare to dream, live, laugh or love.  Read the bible and take care in speaking such things to the entire world.

Shaking my head?????? 
 

Is Your Heart Securely Locked Away?

I woke up this morning with a song playing in my mind that I haven't heard in many years. Its an oldie but goodie and didn't realize how great a message was in the song until my brain downloaded and played in my head like a romantic love sick girl.  It was the song "Have You Ever Loved Somebody" by Freddie Jackson. 

I would really like for you to have a listen to the words of this song.  Is there someone that is exactly what you've always wanted but your so afraid you have pushed them out.  Lets talk. 

I know it's hard sometimes.  I'm talking about taking a chance with your heart.  Of course you know how to take of your heart just fine.  Its the people that you've allowed to come into your life and unfortunately break it.  I understand that whole heartedly however know this, in the dance of finding true love there is a risk factor involved.  Without taking a risk we will never give ourselves the opportunity to find and uncover the man of our dreams. 

Your probably saying, "you have no idea what I have been through.  He really hurt me.  I'll never let that happen again.  I'm sorry that happened to you but I don't want you to miss out on the good stuff that God will send your way to give you stars and butterflies for your pain in the past.

There is a wrong and a right way to uncover what it is you are looking for.  Caution is required and necessary when welcoming someone into your personal space.  This is how were going to do this:

1.  When you meet somebody find out who he is.  And I mean ask questions!  Your job right now is to peel back the layers and find out who he really is.  I need you to be patient because this may take some time.  Enjoy yourself in the process but don't miss the opportunity to get as much information as you can during your interactions.

2.  Do you like who he is?   So this is simple.  By who he is I mean do you feel good about what he does for a living, his politics, is he a sensitive person and is he sensitive to your feelings.  Is he satisfying your emotional needs?  If you like flowers does he bring them? The key is in the details.  These are building blocks.  And if he's the right guy they will become building blocks to your heart.  But you have to do the work, its the beginning and all the other standards I have been teaching you are still in place.  Stay focused. 

3.  Is he treating you the way you "need" to be treated?  Now notice I didn't say "want" to be treated.  Needs are so important and sometimes we look right pass needs to wants.  Typically when we finally get our needs met we end up having fulfilled our wants as well.  I'm speaking about the Core.  Our needs are the Core of every area in our life.  If that's met especially in love we are in a good place.
Everyone needs to be treated differently.  Some women like to be spoiled, its just the way their wired.  Others may be the simplest women in comparison and don't need that to be stimulated emotionally.  But however which way you are wired is the way that man can speak to your emotions.  It's important you keep a journal and find out what it is you "need".

4.  Keep your eyes open.  That guy that is always there for you no matter what but you keep at an arms length.  Its time to really look at him and see how he fits into your life.  If he disappeared today would you be sad?  Would you miss him?  If that's true its time to make a date and allow him to show you who he is and what he may have in store for your future.  Now if you uncover he's not the one.  That's fine but be clear that he is and will always be in the friend zone. Now you can remove him from blocking and truly be open to the right guy.  Sometimes we create borders so that we WONT have to date.  In this case "My Really Good Male Friend".  Don't fool yourself.  If its nothing cut the strings.

5.   Stop making excuses.  Don't trick yourself into being single forever!  Its time to breakout of your shell.  Dust off your fitness membership and get yo life.  Because nobody else can get it for you.  Trim up! Doll up! and get you some business.  There's a man out there with your name on him.  He's just waiting for you to show up!  If you don't he will walk away with somebody else.  That should be fuel to get you going on your road to dating and mating this year.

So with these important points you are well equipped to let down the bars to your heart.  You now know how to proceed in the right way and what to look for.  Know this, you are human and there's nothing wrong with that.  But now is the time for you to have what you want.  Go get it! 

As always love you and Happy Dating!

Kimberly.   

It's A New Year: What Not To Do When Dating

Hello Ladies!

It's a new year and I have to say I was all to happy to say goodbye 2013 and hello to 2014! Do you know what this means?  It means you get another chance to reach new goals and hit new heights. Another chance to WIN!

I wanted to start the year off with a little tough love.  I know you may not want to hear it but its a must if you are to reach your goals of success in your dating house.  I'm going to make this easy so here they are, what not to do when dating:

1. Do not let strange men in your house.  Whether it be to "use the bathroom" or just for a night cap, its a NO-NO.  He could be some nut and you wouldn't know it because you just met him.  He could rape you or just be plain crazy. 

2.  Don't let a stranger for a first date pick you up at your house.  You may not even like him now he knows where you live.  Just not a good idea.  Better safe than sorry.

3.  When you do go out make sure someone knows this guys name and phone number and if possible where he lives and any other important details. 

4.  Don't drink too much on a date in the early stages of getting to know a man.  You want to make sure you are alert and present so that you get to know him and he gets to know the real you.  Otherwise what's the point.

5.  Last but not least and my favorite.  No sex with some guy who you just met.  If you don't want to appear EASY.  Don't be EASY. 

I hope that these are good starter rules to take with you going into the new year.  This year I want you to make some strides and meet some great prospects for a future.  Follow these simple guidelines and I promise you'll thank me later.  As always "Happy Dating". 

Yours Truly,
Kimberly! 

When Should She Pay For Dinner?

This is a bit of a trivial question but some men in todays world believe that dinner should be a shared expense. Back in the day men believed in properly courting a woman. Which means that the man asks a woman out and he pays for her meal and anything else they may have done for entertainment that evening.  In my opinion there's nothing wrong with tradition.

In all respects there's nothing wrong with a woman paying for dinner but I believe that the woman should be a girlfriend.  At no point during the courting stage should a man feel comfortable with the woman paying for her meal.  Otherwise what's the point of asking her out and trying to win her affections.  Surely she could go out with somebody else.  This is his opportunity to win her over with his charm and attention to her having the best evening yet!  Some men simply wont hear of having his girl pay for anything.  Any woman who was in a relationship with a man like this and is presently dating runs into challenges dating these new age men.  She got pretty to go out and spend time with you so pay for dinner.  

So in response to one of my viewers questions, in my opinion a woman you are courting should never pay for dinner.  Once that relationship has shifted into a monogamous one the couple can decide how they spend their dining out and entertainment dollars as a unit.

I hope that helps and I look forward to your inbox messages and questions.

Happy Dating!

Kimberly

What To Do When He Has Hygiene Issues?

This has happened to most of us at one time or the other.  We go on a date with someone, they seem nice but the breath is just bad, or his clothing appears unclean etc.  So the question is if you like the guy enough to get to know him better, how do you tell them about their hygiene issues? 

I have been on a date where I thought the guy was plenty nice but his breath was literally on FIRE.  I had no idea what to do about it or what to say.  So I just tried to avoid getting too close while we were interacting.  The second date I figured maybe he was having an off day last time.  But he showed up with the bad breath again.  It hit me the minute I got in the car and continued to hit me from across the dinner table.  At the end of the date he came in for a kiss, as quiet as it was kept I was mortified as I was dying and trying to back up.  I was more concerned about being rude then dodging the worst germs ever.  After that date I had a plan that on the next date I would offer him Altoids or some other type of very strong breath mint.  Fortunate enough for me the third date was a complete failure for me and I didn't even get to a place of helping him. 

Its too bad he doesn't know why my guard was up.  It was his terrible breath.  This will probably keep him from getting close to other ladies should he continue to pursue dating.  Had things been different I would have pulled him to the side at the end of the date and told him that his breath was really strong.  I use the word strong to be polite and avoid hurting his feelings ladies.  I would also give some suggestions like colon cleanse, brushing the teeth regularly, using Listerine and flossing regularly.  If he is closed to any of this all bets are off.  Bad hygiene is simply not acceptable.

No one's perfect but you can be nice because its free.  If they don't want it keep it moving, your soul mate could be right around the corner! 

Stay positive!  I promise you'll thank me later.

Kimberly